Journal of Boromir: An introduction

Okay, so I guess I should explain myself here. I've created this Blog as a archive for a series of footers that appear on my posts from the discussion boards of theonering.net. These footers started back in May 2004, and on the heels of and footer competition entitled "Hot Guy Awareness Week". Day 12 was the first entry, and picks up from that competition's theme. Since then it has seemed to spiraled out of control. After prodding from some of my fellow posters on the boards, I've gone ahead and created this archive.

For the record, I am a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and the character of Boromir, I love both Tolkien's writings and Peter Jackson's films based on them. These journal entries are all done in good fun, and are not meant to be malicious in any way.

My thanks go out to Eomer's Woman for her technology knowledge in helping me set this up and keep it going, and to Elf Princess of Lorien, for her constant praise of this twisted project. Also thanks to all my fellow sibbies who have enjoyed these footers over the past months. Glad to know I can brighten up your day a bit.

Cheers All!

Journal of Boromir: Day 1

“…Haven’t left Rivendell yet and I’m feeling like an underpaid babysitter. Aragorn tells me that we need to keep an eye on the hobbits. Sure, then he takes the two that are well behaved. What do I get? Pint-sized spawns of Melkor! Blasted little squirts can’t go five minutes without causing trouble. Gandalf just finished yelling at Pippin for turning his pointy hat into a birdbath. I told him to give the hobbit a swat with his staff for his antics, but Gandalf refuses to use staff in such a savage manner. I’ll convince him yet. Right now I need track down Elrond and get something for this headache…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 3

“…Okay, so Gandalf and I aren’t getting along too well. Today he confronted me about my attitude in second-guessing every decision he was making. Now really, it wasn’t every decision, just the ones I think are wrong. I can’t help it if that turns out to be the majority. Pardon me for feeling that allowing Legolas to be our navigator is a bad idea. The guy got himself lost trying to find the door out of the bathroom the other night. So for my opinion, both the elf and wizard yell at me. Well I’m sorry, but I’m not here to be perfect or give ringing endorsements. I was ready to take Gimli’s axe and do something drastic to both their hair while they sleep. I think it’s going to be one long trip…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 5

“…I should have just minded my own business. I should have let the fact that the hobbits were showing gross incompetence with their swords use roll right off me and not gotten involved. But no, I had to go in there and insist on showing them how to use their swords properly, and now suddenly I’m ‘Uncle Boromir’ to Merry and Pippin. Their tickling antics had me on the ground, rolling around, laughing in a manner that has the elf thinking I’m a pansy…pot calling the kettle black if you ask me, but that’s for another debate. Now I’m getting requests for piggyback rides from these hobbits every five minutes. I’m a warrior for Eru’s sake, heir to the Steward of Gondor, not a bloomin’ carousel for their amusement…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 6

“…Okay, okay…wait I got it. No…hold on…Dude, I think it’s talking to me. What’s that? You think I’m pretty? Silly ring, of course I am. Dude, where are those hobbits? This pipeweed stuff is great! Man, I should give this stuff to father. How fun would council meetings be then? What do they call it? Longbottom leaf? Ha! Ha! Longbottom. I wonder if that’s Legolas’ nickname? …I’m so funny! Why am I hungry all of a sudden?…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 7

"...Not a good day today. I woke up to find a series of rather disturbing polaroids being passed around. Aragorn and the Hobbits convinced me to try a bit of 'pipeweed' last night, and I fear its effects left me a bit out of sorts. I am most grieved by the shot of me with the elf. Goodness only knows what was going on by that point, but Legolas seems pretty pleased with himself this morning. Was this revenge for the compass I pinned to his clothes the other day? Probably. I still don't regret it; we lost two days travel because of his poor sense of direction. With any luck I will have obtained and destroyed these incriminating photos before we reach Minas Tirith. Faramir will never let me live this one down if he finds out. In the mean time, retaliation seems in order against several members of the fellowship for last night’s events. Where on Middle Earth did that camera come from anyway?..."

Journal of Boromir: Day 8

“…So we spent some time hiding in the bushes again today. Gandalf keeps freaking out the moment any sort of bird flies over us. Crebain are one thing, but diving out of the sight of pigeons is a bit ridiculous. I was reminded of the Wizard’s story about hitching a ride on one of those giant eagles to Rivendell, as I lay in the thicket. Well cripes! If an eagle can lug a fully-grown Wizard half way across Middle Earth with ease, why not a ring? Why in Eru’s name are we out here trampling over these forsaken lands when we could just give the ring to the eagles to take to Mount Doom? I suggested it to Gandalf later in the day, but he freaked out and took a swing at me with his staff. ‘Quiet you fool!’ he hissed at me as he took another puff of his pipe ‘there will be no story if we do that’ Story? What story? That does it, no more pipe weed for the old guy…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 12

“...The peanut butter and mashed bananas stuffed in my horn is just the latest in this series of immature pranks. I confess I am getting more annoyed everyday at this Fellowship’s inability to accept the fact that I’m the hottest member...”

Journal of Boromir: Day 14

“…It took about two hours for Gimli to notice the “wide load” sign that Legolas had pinned to his back today. He couldn’t figure out what was causing the hobbits to giggle so much. Of course it’s nothing like the trick Aragorn played on Gandalf the other day when he braided his beard into pigtails while he slept. Of course this is all amateurish antics compared to what we used to do in the South. The last stunt I pulled on my brother, I had every man of my battalion spit into his drink before I handed it to him. He drank the whole thing too! He must have found out later because I paid dearly for that one. He sprinkled something funky on my pants the next day, because I wasn’t sitting too comfortably during the morning meeting with the other Generals. What an embarrassing trip to the healers I had to make after that meeting…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 15

“…Caught Aragorn glancing through the Spring/Summer edition of the Middle-Earth Gap catalogue today. He told me I should opt for the shorter tunic style for the summer months, and perhaps grow my beard out a little more. I admit the thought has crossed my mind – Gondor can get so ridiculously hot during the summer. Besides, I’ve got the legs to pull that style off, and I think I’d look quite dashing in a nice sleeveless leather tunic with matching gauntlets. Just as I was about to agree to make a stop at the Gap of Rohan with him, Aragorn points to this grotesque ensemble that includes a doublewide belt and horned helmet and suggests it for me. I wouldn’t have been so perturbed by his joke if he had not insisted that the model wearing the outfit looked like me. At this moment Aragorn is trying to explain away the sudden black eye he just received to the hobbits…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 17

"...Still waiting for Gandalf to figure out the password to get us into Moria. After Legolas got all pouty because we couldn’t guess his ‘Fall of Gondolin’ in the charades game, Sam dug out a chessboard from that apartment he carries on his back. Finally, a game of dignity and skill to amuse me. Of course it does lose some of its prestige when you have hobbits running around sticking chess pieces up their noses. Perhaps if it were Faramir I would expect that kind of behavior, but coming from someone like Frodo, well it’s just sad…"

Journal of Boromir: Day 19

“…I’ve been forced to put a few hobbits between me and Aragorn when we’re walking now. With all his verbal pining for Arwen these days, the urge to just push him into a chasm is just too strong now. I don’t swing towards elves myself, but I have to wonder what on earth could she find so appealing about this disgusting ranger. If I were Elrond, I’d lock Arwen in her room until her 4000 birthday for having such low standards in men. Honestly, the guy doesn’t even have the courtesy to wash his hair. I wonder how long that grease would keep his hair burning if I pushed him into the fire right now…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 20

“…These hobbits don’t realize how lucky they are. If it were Faramir who had tossed my bedroll over a cliff as a joke I would have had him wearing women’s make-up and his hair in pigtails to the next military council meeting in Gondor. But thanks to Aragorn, Merry and Pippin get no punishment for their antics. Now I’m stuck sleeping on this disgusting, grungy ground with nothing but my clothes. It’s horribly cold down here and what’s worse; I no longer have the fur-lined cloak I swiped from Faramir’s closet. Serves him right though, after spreading those lies about me to the women of the court. Oh well, if he keeps it up it’ll be his job to produce an heir to the throne, not mine. Father’s going to hate that…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 22

“…‘What is this new devilry?’ I asked, but before Gandalf could answer the high-pitched screams told the story. ‘Ai! Ai! fangirls!’ Legolas cried in horror as he turn and ran. ‘Demons of the modern world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!’ Gandalf yelled and we all took off for the bridge. We had all made it across, and Gandalf made a stand on the bridge to save us, but the piercing pitch of their screams shattered the stonework of the caves and the bridge crumbled. Gandalf fell. The rest of us made it out relatively unscathed, but our gear and clothing was pierced by many arrows, each bearing a strange heart-shaped note. Legolas and Frodo seem to have taken the worst of the assault…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 25

”…When is Legolas going to learn he can’t win. In an attempt to embarrass me he got a hold of my tunic the other day and altered its burgundy colour to a bright fuchsia. At first I was irritated, but the joke’s on him. Since that day I’ve gotten more invitations to flet parties from cute elf women in Lothlorien than he has. Doesn’t he know that women love men who can pull off this colour? Last night Aragorn became a victim of Legolas’ frustration when the elf mistook the ranger for me and mangled his facial hair with a razor while he slept. I had left earlier to get medical attention for my hand after it was bitten by Pippin in his sleep. He dreamed it to be some sort of second breakfast...”

Journal of Boromir: Day 27

"...Last night's flet party was a blast, but Aragorn tells us it's time to get going. Party pooper! How nice of these elves to send us off with all these supplies - including recent editions of the latest magazines to read along the way. And here I thought I was going to miss this month's edition of Gondorian Quarterly. Well now, don't I look all handsome and classy in that cover photo. That's the image of a man you want leading your country, not some scruffy, smelly ranger who can't comb his hair and wipes his nose on his sleeve constantly. Sick! Gimli eagerly grabbed all the copies of PlayElf* and is keeping them with him. 'To keep them out of the young hobbits' hands he says. Yeah, right..."

*PlayElf appears courtesy of LOTR_nutcase. Used with permission.

Journal of Boromir: Day 28

“…I’m trying to convince Aragorn that cutting through Rohan without permission was going to be a dumb move. He doesn’t foresee any problem, but that just tells me he hasn’t met Mr. Roaming Border Patrol – Eomer. The guy is a few crumbs short of a lembas cake if you ask me. My last trip up through there, I had the misfortune to cross paths with him, and he confiscated my horse as a result. He suspected me of trying to smuggle in weed from the South. I harbour serious doubts towards the Rohan military screening process after that encounter. And when did a beanie hat and a kazoo become part of the official uniform in Rohan? Actually I don’t want to go through Rohan was because after Eomer confiscated my horse, I swiped one of his in Edoras and rode it to Rivendell…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 29

“…Woke up this morning to Aragorn trying to swipe my gauntlets. Sneaky twit! I have seen him eyeing them for a while now, but didn’t think he had the gall to try and take them. What a cheapskate! I noticed that before we left Rivendell he swiped that blue shirt from Elrond. I don’t see why the others are so high on him. Aragorn isn’t that great. The man’s not a ranger; he’s nothing more than a pervy snowdropper. I cannot imagine whom else he is going to be swiping clothes from. Legolas was saying something about losing a pair of his leggings in Lothlorien the other day. I wonder…no, wait, it's all starting to make sense…”

Journal of Boromir: Day 31

'…Legolas nicked me in the leg with one of his arrows today while I was out scouting for the enemy. He claims it was an accident explaining that he thought me to be an orc at the time - a likely story. He’s just bitter because I told him women don’t like “pretty boys” and that the rugged, manly look is in – on the other hand Aragorn seems to be taking the “rugged” look to the extreme, and it’s getting pretty gross…'